Motivation, what is it, how do you get it?

Not motivation to simply keep living but finding the drvie to find something better for myself.
If someone were to ask me what would you do if it were something that didn't feel like work I'd be hard-pressed to answer. I've tried my hand at different artistic endeavours but the feeling ain't there at all. There's nothing I've found that interests me enough to hone my meager skills; nothing that gives me a glimmer of hope when I begin that says I've found something I'm good at.

It seems much of my adult life I've been scrambling at the bottom three levels and not coming anywhere close to acheiving esteem and self-actualization. The most frustrating part of all is that I do not have a clue as to how to get out of this rut. When I come to solving this major problem in my life it is truly the mountain of mountains for me. I know it's a life lesson I must learn but I am at a complete and total loss to be where I truly belong.

Catalyst for Thought & Change.............

What I really want for Christmas is the one thing I've never been able to have, which is finding my right place in life. The solution to the problem may be so simple that when I do have it I'll most likely wanna kick myself over not having discovered it much much sooner.

I just feel at a loss when I try to reassess my wants, needs, skills and must-have's in a job. It's also the source of much frustration and feelings of powerlessness in my life and has been for ages. Clearing this hurdle will mean the world to me.
It doesn't mean my journey of evolution is over, only beginning a new stage.

What a life!

I've been doing the singles thing for some time now. Met women who I thought might have could have long term potential. But then I realized that it's not so much me having to sell myself in a feverish attempt to not sleep alone as it is looking for a person who can mesh well with me, who can complement me. Talking to a few, meeting up and spending time with several has been a real education for me, and a nice revelation as well.

I realize that out there there are women looking for a guy like me. Not simply those whose best years are behind them but women who've got a life of love and passion to offer some lucky soul. I recently met a woman with whom I feel the possibility of a deeper connection. I've got no illusions of fairy tales here, no starry-eyed infatuation, but yet she's someone who makes me feel very very good on a number of levels. Spiritually, intellectually, physically we feel a strong pull towards each other. Time will tell what happens in the long term. But it's nice, very very nice with her.

Breaking things down.........the week in review

The difference in how I feel when having a deadline to meet with or without legal implications and how I approach everyday life is vast. When I have a clearly definable goal with clear expectations and demands I come through. One way or another I come through. Come hell or high water I'm getting it done. But going through a career-change search or one for companionship is a murky process to say the least. As one of my old teachers put it, "As clear as mud."

I liken it to someone leaving college with a liberal arts degree and having no idea where to go with it. They've got no network that'll get them a job straight out of school, no influential family members that'll give sis or jr. the keys to the family business. Compare that with someone with an engineering, nursing, or accounting degree for example, or what I would call one of the more vocational disciplines in school. What those people have learned is clearly valued by the HR droids who are the gatekeepers to the working world. There are skills obtained through getting a nursing degree that makes that person immediately employable. Not so with the dreaded liberal arts/humanities person. And guess who I identify with?

It is a feeling like your trying to make a u-turn with an aircraft carrier in rough waters no less. Try as I might I can't see through this. I can remember this feeling for ages and I want it to go away. That is my next goal, to understand what's making me feel this way. I'm just not seeing the opportunities out there and I'm tired of it. Life is too short to be like this. And I have to stop making that last statement trigger a sense of urgency in me such that I rush into things much too quickly and make decisions not suited for me. But this has to stop.
I wish I could snap my fingers like I'm at a Tony Robbins seminar and suddenly snap out of it. See, there's no clear deadline for me and no clear steps on how to get into the job for me or how to attract the woman of my dreams. That lack of clearly definable steps is what gets me every time. All I can do is create a vision of what and who I want. How to get there is the frustrating part because it's a place I've never been.

Distant, Detached, Aloof

are all words that have been used to describe me, and I have to say that I don't disagree. In fact I feel it happening all the time. There's a feeling of being detached from the rest of the world not just socially but at work as well; doing the job, living your life but still feeling on the outside looking in. It's not just walking into a bar or club not knowing anyone without the foggiest notion as to how to break the ice. It's a disconnectedness professionally, socially and in everyday life.

I know that's one big reason I haven't found the real plum jobs in my line of work. So many others are "passionate" about this or that which is reflected in their enthusiasm for the subject at hand. Aside from the fact that it's a grossly overused term I just can't feel it. I've found it impossible to fake it til I make it as I've listened to so many sales trainers say. To me it's either real or it is not. I understand that concept with regard to compartmentalizing traumatic experiences, allowing the person to move on and live their life.

But I seem to have come up on dead end after dead end. Don't get me wrong I can feel a world of difference from several years ago. Coming from where the world was gray and dark to seeing the colors and the light has made me feel realize how far I've gone in life. But there have been precious few times in life where I did not walk through everything with that deer in headlights look on my face. I can feel it happening but also powerless to do anything about it at that moment.

I've not had what you'd call a clear direction in life, of knowing this is where I belong. In music school at least I realized that was one place I felt something stirring, although performing or teaching music were not an option for me.
This search for connection is what I must do. That's the life lesson I must learn next. But how to begin?

Yeahbuts, Comittments & Focus in Life

For anyone who has been wondering the woman I had been seeing since Fall has gone to California. But she and I are no longer together. As several others have suggested to me after the fact is that I need to slow down. I just officially got out of the marriage a little over a month ago. All the while we were together she was playfully joking that I was simply going from one jail to another. I chuckled every time I heard it, but when I stopped to think about it I really got scared. Here I was, enjoying life alone and now this other person was here wanting a committed relationship. At the time it started I thought cool this is nice. But as time went on this lack of space, this lack of freedom got to me.

She's been divorced over 10 years now and although she's 5 years younger it's obvious she's in a totally different stage in life than me. Plus the fact that the initial sexual fire I thought was there was not. Obviously I don't want to live in the bedroom and want that complete relationship with someone when I'm ready for it, but that mutual sexual desire has got to be there without question without hesitation. And it just wasn't in this case. Reasons for that for one is that for several days we both were sick with bad colds. Longer still she suffered from gastro-intestinal issues. There were other things too but the fact remains the attraction was not what I initially was telling myself it was. So the operative term with me and women is SLOW DOWN. I'm reminded of this old tv beer commercial that I've been trying to find. It shows a 20-30ish guy walking into a bar. He exclaims to everyone there that he's just found the woman for him. The bartender then says,"What, again?"
Seems to fit perfectly in this instance.

Recently I've started to read the book called "Pathfinder" by Nicholas Lore.
In it he deals with being able to focus our thoughts, filtering out the junk, the negative self-talk what he calls "Yeahbuts" to get to where we want to go in life.
He goes on to discuss effective ways to accomplish this filtering. The best way in his view is to make a commitment so far out of your comfort zone that accomplishing this new goal occupies the majority of your thoughts thus shifting your focus away from the negative.

Looking back I understand what he's saying. When going back to school even with the negative self-talk, the Yeahbuts, the excuses, at the most basic level I knew I was going to finish. It took me several years going part-time but I did it. It was one big big mountain to climb for me, fighting the self-doubt was a daily grind. Something inside me took over and made me focus on the good and pushed me toward my goal. At graduation I was totally spent of energy. It had literally taken everything I had in me to finish. I was literally bawling like a baby during Commencement, drying the tears long enough to go up and get my diploma.

Fast-forward to today. I get this email from my lawyer. He tells me he was contacted by the attorney of the ex, demanding his $3000 payment in full by April 1st. Talk about a goal that must be achieved! I emailed the attorney back telling him the situation and that I had worked out a payment plan to pay my debts, his bill included. I then asked him besides a payment for the complete balance what sort of payment schedule would he accept? So needless to say I spent the rest of the afternoon looking into payments that I could work out before 4/1 and also bank loans for the full amount so I can get him outta my hair. The latter is what I'm hoping will happen. I say hope because after dealing with indebtedness in recent years my FICO score is just above 600 at present. But rather than sit in petrified fear as to what to do, I'm doing something about it. One way or another I'll get the two big bills out of the way. Failure is not an option here; it simply isn't.

So to bring that thought process even further I'd like to be able to have the same zeal in a career search, making a transition to a new job and way of life. But I want to do it without gloom and doom hanging over my head. One thing came to mind is that every time I've made a major job change it's been for the better, getting me into a situation much better than from which I came. First it was a definite parting of the ways, leaving a hell-hole where it was obvious I was going to be micro-managed until I either quit or was fired. So I quit. The next job I was at for 17 years-way too long by the way. I was the highest paid person in the unit and the MBA's from corporate were squeezing us big time. It was obvious to me my days were numbered even before that happened. I had been job searching before but really did it in earnest when the manager who hired me took over my area once again. Something in my gut told me to get the lead outta my butt and get it done, which I did, eventually finding my present position at an opportune time. I have more thoughts about this guy I'll talk about later. What a piece of work.

But the point of all this is that when I focus on a goal that without question has to be done just like Larry the Cable Guy I "GetRDone." And my station in life improves greatly when I do it. So to focus on the goal, leaving the dark clouds behind. I am learning. One of these days I'll get it.

Strength & Weakness, Light & Darkness

My horoscope for today was on the mark:

"Get the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop? It's not -- so relax and let the universe drive. Things have been going splendidly, and they'll continue to do so. All you have to do is show up -- and stop trying to find the dark cloud in that silver lining."

Well at least for part of it anyway it's been right on. In my journey through self-awareness I feel myself seeing things in a much better light. The world is not conspiring to get me. Life is still what we make of it. All of us are born into life with who we are and what we have. It's up to us to deal with the hand we've been dealt.
Some of us have natural talents and beauty that needs to be nurtured and respected. Others have attributes that aren't always readily apparent but the abilities are still there nonetheless. Genius, brilliant, gifted, average,intelligent, persevering are all labels we put on ourselves or others at times. And we come in all shapes and sizes. It's up to us to go through life and make the best of what we have and who we are. It's even more fortunate; some would say miraculous or a twist of fate that we have friends come into our lives who can see the beauty our own eyes are too blind to notice. Out of everything we have they can be the most precious gift of all.

But when we harm that bond of friendship in any way, discounting their words, giving them the idea of what they're telling us has no merit that can and is tragic. To the bottom of my heart and soul I am so very sorry that I did that. I did not mean to imply that at all, only trying to say that in years past I would have immediately brushed those words aside.

Even today, as much as I have progressed I will focus on that darkness within the silver lining. As far as I have come I still need to not fixate on the storm clouds but the blue skies above them, for that is my destination. I need to put the darkness aside and focus on the vast goodness that has come into my life.

Endings, Beginnings............

Well it finally happened. I received the letter in the mail today. My divorce decree was signed on December 14th. So after 2.5 years I am officially divorced now. Just thought you might want to know. According to the court I do have to pay her $400/month alimony for 10 years; not as bad as it could have been but naturally not as good as I had hoped for. Time to move on..........

Reflections @ mile marker 53

Seeings how it's my birthday today I think it appropriate that I do some reflecting on what's been happening this last year. Life has been good to me. Even with the occasional downs that are a part of life the ups are feeling good, and the average everydays are feeling great! I've gotten myself out of a relationship that had become very bad for me. There were things going on that I simply did not know how to handle. Finally it became clear that things must end.

Having been out of my marriage for 2.5 years I finally am getting near the end. The divorce trial, which was essentially for her seeking alimony was held last week. A final ruling on what I will have to pay out to her will be made sometime after the first of the year by the judge's estimate. But the divorce decree will be sent most likely before Christmas. That part of it, the finality of it all will be there. Since her and I are both working and there's no real huge property holdings to sort out the amount the court orders me to pay should not be insurmountable.

I have certainly been given opportunities in the arena of love this year. Although I clearly jumped the gun on the first the woman I'm with now did not hesitate to act on her true feelings.
To my delight she was the one who uttered those words first. The feelings I had for the first were very real, so much so that in my gut she had to feel the same. But due to her getting out of a bad marriage and two failed long-term relationships (one died just before they were to be married & the second got cold feet before marriage) those intense emotions present in our brief time together were too much for her.
As it is the way she abruptly shut everything down with no second chances really left me with no trust in her at all. I could never trust her to not do the same thing to me down the road. If I were to do something she felt wrong when would she simply pull the plug, no questions asked? I couldn't live with that in the back of my mind. Although this woman was much closer to my ideal than many others previously there were many things she obviously needed to work out in her mind. Although I will say that I still wonder if I were used to make her old boyfriend jealous? Nonetheless that chapter is long over.

The woman I am seeing now is wonderful. She's kind and caring to a fault. She's curious about the world and has this incredible energy about her that excites me.
We spent Thanksgiving weekend together, meeting on Thanksgiving evening and getting to know each other in person. We also have plans to spend Christmas and New Year's together. The emotions we express here are very open and honest and very very real.
No holding back. We had first chatted after my separation and had planned to get together. But due to a variety of reasons we didn't connect and lost track of each other. Thank god that I answered her post to me on Facebook. Before we may very well have not appreciated what we have. But now I find myself falling in love with her everyday all over again. She's all that I want in a woman and then some. The passion between us is very raw and very real.
It's been a great year all the way around, and the best is yet to come!

Just a little bit more..............

I thought it might be good to fill in the blanks with some things developing in my life. Besides I've been getting some raucous requests from the peanut gallery to spill it. ;-)The woman I talked about in the previous post......well we are falling for each other big time. I feel a very strong and deep connection with her, this out of nowhere person from my past. It feels very good. She's a very strong woman, having the sense to realize she didn't want to keep repeating the mistakes of days gone by. She got out of the bad relationships in her life. She's improved herself when she was able, now wanting to go back to school once again. She's very artistic and creative, sewing teddy bears, quilts, making mugs among many other things. Her sense of humor is lively and fits well with mine. Her compassion and caring are that of an angel. Her passion is fiery hot. This is as close to being IT for me as I've ever been, an emotionally available woman who is making a place for me in her life, who is able to give me the same level of commitment I give to her. It feels good. The feelings that were stirring in us were much too strong to fight or ignore. We simply have to take this all the way, no question about it.

The Chicago thing I alluded to earlier deals with something that may come about, dealing with a company up there. I don't want to jinx anything but suffice it to say if what I want to happen happens I'll be eventually making permanent residence there.
More details as they develop.

Long lost wishes...........

Where to start.......I've been corresponding with a number of women these past several weeks, only one of whom answered my CL ad. This woman lives not too far away. Her and I have the greatest rapport but due to time constraints on her part have been unable to meet face to face as of yet. Hopefully soon though. Another woman I started chatting with from Chemistry.com. We share a common love of sports and the arts and email everyday. She's got a big heart, working with special ed kids. Actually the first one does too, working with disabled children. The second woman lives 3 hours away and we have yet to talk on the phone but that will change starting Friday when her cell service kicks in. Yes, 3 hours but relatively close to Chicago, an area I would not mind being at all. More on that later.

The 3rd woman is someone who completely disappeared from my life almost as quickly as she came. While I was wrestling with the complications of my separation this woman and I met online nearly two years ago. We talked, and laughed together; absolutely wonderful connection. We made each other forget about life for the time we were on the phone together. It was only natural that we meet. But on two separate occasions something came up on her part. I had though she flaked on me, that she had gotten scared. After the second time I threw in the towel on her. This was during the time I had a job interview in New Mexico. We were planning on meeting for dinner the day I get back. She sends me a message that something came up again. So that's where things ended with her.

Well now, lo and behold come yesterday out of nowhere she sends me a chat message and we start talking. She tells me she has been recovering from surgery much of that time as well as taking in her daughter and her family, who have now since moved out and onto another area. She's also telling about the guys in her life who end up concealing a criminal past, and not dating because of attracting that kind of person.
We chat, we talk on the phone several times yesterday and it's like not missing a beat. After my cell call was dropped last night she leaves me a voicemail saying she hopes that she can make it down to me soon so I can show her around and take things from there. She also talked about if things worked out to make a pact to see no one else, even with her impending winter trip to San Diego.

So questions in my mind.........Is this for real? Is she the one in this case jumping the gun? I wonder if someone in her past-maybe her father had a criminal history, otherwise why the criminal attraction? I do feel good talking with her. I always have. I don't want to rush into anything but if she's of clear head, not desperate for a relationship after over 10 years of being single and dating bad guys I do not want to pass this by. But I also have a good feeling about the first woman although our history isn't anywhere near as deep. I wish I had a gut feeling as to what to do but right now I don't.

One down, oodles to go..........

Went on my date last night with the first respondent to my CL ad. Very nice woman, educated, funny as hell-should be a standup, but no spark. Very conservative outlook on things but still not narrow minded. There wasn't that desire to have a dating relationship. Friends are a real possibility though.

Also talked on the phone for the longest time with the 2nd woman to reply. Very nice, smart, hard-working, funny. Very good possibilities here. Meeting her for drinks this weekend. I've been emailing with several others and have another woman who's going to get back to me about when she's free this weekend so we can have the dinner/drink thing as well and see how things go.

So with just one little article from the heart and my social calendar is filling up.
Amazing how life works sometimes. Now about that financial fortune I'm supposed to be getting one of these days....................

Wise words

Have you noticed, that the more you hurry, the slower you go?

The more you wait, the longer it takes?

The more you worry, the less you dream?

But the more you live, love, and laugh, the more you live, love, and laugh.

Weird?
The Universe

What a difference!

What a difference having the right perspective makes, even just a little bit. I've told myself many times after having hit a dead-end with a woman that I need to have 20 others to talk to, to get myself right back up and keep talking. Well yesterday I did just that. Knowing that the written word is one of my strong suits in communication I posted an ad on Craigslist. Yeah yeah I know the reputation of the place. And yet real people still do meet from there socially, and I'm not talking business transactions if you get my meaning:

I've debated on doing this but I have to tell you that being a private person I find it difficult at times to make connections with others. I get out and about but there are few opportunities to really meet and talk and interact with others in my life. Smiling at the store clerks is nice and chatting up someone in line if they have a friendly face is all find and good. But after that we all go our separate ways, living our separate lives in our own protective shells. I like my space but what I really am looking for is someone who will share that time with me. I need a woman who is emotionally available to me and only me, someone who is over past relationships and truly ready to move on with her life.

I'm not looking for casual sex. The bond I'm seeking goes way beyond that of mere orgasms. But with the right two people it all starts with friendship and slowly builds from there. And I do mean slowly. I truly want to get to know you without sex clouding our judgment about each other and getting in the way of having us truly know each other as people. You don't have to show me your tits. In fact I don't care if you're flat-chested as long as you have a heart of gold to match mine because that's mandatory. I'm looking for someone who's kind, caring, intelligent, giving and thoughtful because those are qualities possessed by me. I want a woman who's been bound and convinced that all the good guys are either married or gay because I am neither of those. Sexy is a given and with beauty can be in the eye of the beholder. There's got to be that spark, that chemistry between us that could light up the night.

My interests are varied and many, sports-football is my passion, baseball too. I love music ranging from classical to Conway Twitty and everything in between. I love travel, good food, street festivals, art, hiking and exploring my curiosity about various things in life. Does this sound like you? Take a chance. Please talk to me if it does.

I could sit at home and ruminate over what I did wrong or go out on my own and never meet anyone at a party or gathering. Or I could do what I do best, communicate with others with my writing, reaching those who were looking for someone at the same time I am. The response by the way has been quite good I think. Five actual women so far have responded today. No bots at all. They all loved my ad! I've talked to one on the phone already today and am meeting her for supper and calling another tonight. And as I wrote this another actual response. Kinda scary in a way, that just a little change can make such a difference. The moral of the story is a quote I've read but at times forget,"Man can alter his life by altering his thinking. William James
How very true.

Moving on, older, wiser...........

I'm over it. Felt bad for a bit but I just cannot wear my heart on my sleeve. Even when I hear a woman say she wants an exclusive relationship just hold back. I'm worth waiting for. But I have to tell you with all the things I've gone through in my love life I don't hesitate to say that I really deserve a big big break pretty soon.

Ok God, one little favor here please.

I wasn't going to post this for fear of jinxing the vibe. Lo and behold I was perfectly capable of ruining things myself. I met this woman recently. We hit it off right away and I like the passionate schmuck that I am went overboard, sending her a card with the lyrics to a song:

I've waited for this day for such a long time
you are everything i've waited for
if memory says i might be disappointed
cause a lifetime here with you will seem to short

all i see is white that's coming towards me
all i've wanted you within my arms
if it's required that i forsake all others
i'll do that and more

i've waited for this day for such a long time
i hope that i can be what you deserve
i hope the days get longer
and make this love grow stronger
god will be the strength and our reason

Looking back on things I was allowing myself to get too infatuated too quickly. Gotta control that. Don't need to be an uncaring prick just not a goopy wuss.
This has got to be a shining example of how I can never be the first one to say I love you to any woman. Ever. I just can't. Not after this. Sometimes nature is a cruel teacher.

I don't know if there's any chance of rectifying this relationship or not. From a cynic's point of view I present no challenge to her. I do not have to be won over and that doesn't sit well with many. From a realist's point of view I was pushing rather than letting things develop on their own. And that part is the saddest part for me. I know that she's a good person. I can feel it when I'm around her. To lose that...........well it hurts. I still seem to want to do things the difficult way.

I've been accused of being too cold and uncaring at times and others I obviously go completely the other way all the way. I'm a very passionate person but I have to learn to control it. I deserve to be happy and be with a woman who's devoted to me as I am to her. But let her express that devotion first. I simply have to.

To say that I'd like another chance with this woman us understating things just a bit. However I just don't know if that will happen. I am sending this out into the universe for all the good vibes I an get. It's time for prayer now. Ok Big Guy, just this once, a do-over please?

Finding a treasure.............

On my excursion to the Barnes & Noble I came across a book that has really captured my attention. Ever since forever when I walk into a library or bookstore I gravitate to the self-help section. This inner voice is telling me that the answers to my questions are here. I just have to keep looking.

Well I went to the new book section in self-help last weekend and found something that's making a whole heckva lotta sense to me.
Living the Truth really speaks to me in a way that's unlike any other book I've read. I can feel something inside me that's different. I still have the questions but I also have the feeling that I'll find the answers before too long. The stage is set.

Another date in the books

Met a very nice woman last night. Drove to Kankakee which is about an hour away to meet up with her over coffee and chat. It was a delight to sit and talk with her. I still notice that for the most part if I'm with someone who likes to talk I simply let them. To some, maybe to many that comes off as being closed or aloof. But I am trying to listen and enjoy everyone's presence, being in the moment. Maybe I haven't met that person who elicits that behavior from me. It could be an intuitive feeling that I'm holding back because I feel nothing long-term will come of things. But this is who I am. One thing that concerned me last night was her not having a clean break with her soon to be ex. It's a very friendly, cordial breakup which is good. But the lines are not clear to me when they're talking on the phone 3-4 times a week, having Thanksgiving dinner with each other. I need, want, and deserve someone with a clear and total breakup, someone who has truly and completely moved on.

I've been emailing with someone more local from POF. We really hit it off in the emails we've shared so I asked her out tonight to go to a Blues bar. I asked her in an email this morning so I don't know if she already has plans. Just will have to wait and see how she responds.

Bowling.........well I thought it was a mixed league with men and women. Silly me for not asking questions and just assuming. Ends up it's all men and the women there are all married. So much for an active social life there. And 28 weeks for a bowling season? You have got to be kidding me. No way. Think I'll look for that dancing class. That's what I really want, something that if I look idiotic to start will pay off socially as I get better. Learn and grow......

Closer and closer............

Received a letter from my attorney on Monday. It was a letter talking about the ex's desire for alimony and settlement. I called my attorney yesterday and we discussed what our response should be. I really think our counter proposal will be accepted because I sure as hell want a clean break financially. Alimony is way too open-ended, way too easy to come back later and ask for more once my situation improves. Me want none of that. Let's end this and get done. It's gone on way too long. Well over two years separation......need to be done with this so we can both move on.
I'm beginning to smell the freedom cooking! Soon, very very soon...........