Distant, Detached, Aloof

are all words that have been used to describe me, and I have to say that I don't disagree. In fact I feel it happening all the time. There's a feeling of being detached from the rest of the world not just socially but at work as well; doing the job, living your life but still feeling on the outside looking in. It's not just walking into a bar or club not knowing anyone without the foggiest notion as to how to break the ice. It's a disconnectedness professionally, socially and in everyday life.

I know that's one big reason I haven't found the real plum jobs in my line of work. So many others are "passionate" about this or that which is reflected in their enthusiasm for the subject at hand. Aside from the fact that it's a grossly overused term I just can't feel it. I've found it impossible to fake it til I make it as I've listened to so many sales trainers say. To me it's either real or it is not. I understand that concept with regard to compartmentalizing traumatic experiences, allowing the person to move on and live their life.

But I seem to have come up on dead end after dead end. Don't get me wrong I can feel a world of difference from several years ago. Coming from where the world was gray and dark to seeing the colors and the light has made me feel realize how far I've gone in life. But there have been precious few times in life where I did not walk through everything with that deer in headlights look on my face. I can feel it happening but also powerless to do anything about it at that moment.

I've not had what you'd call a clear direction in life, of knowing this is where I belong. In music school at least I realized that was one place I felt something stirring, although performing or teaching music were not an option for me.
This search for connection is what I must do. That's the life lesson I must learn next. But how to begin?