Endings, Beginnings............

Well it finally happened. I received the letter in the mail today. My divorce decree was signed on December 14th. So after 2.5 years I am officially divorced now. Just thought you might want to know. According to the court I do have to pay her $400/month alimony for 10 years; not as bad as it could have been but naturally not as good as I had hoped for. Time to move on..........

Reflections @ mile marker 53

Seeings how it's my birthday today I think it appropriate that I do some reflecting on what's been happening this last year. Life has been good to me. Even with the occasional downs that are a part of life the ups are feeling good, and the average everydays are feeling great! I've gotten myself out of a relationship that had become very bad for me. There were things going on that I simply did not know how to handle. Finally it became clear that things must end.

Having been out of my marriage for 2.5 years I finally am getting near the end. The divorce trial, which was essentially for her seeking alimony was held last week. A final ruling on what I will have to pay out to her will be made sometime after the first of the year by the judge's estimate. But the divorce decree will be sent most likely before Christmas. That part of it, the finality of it all will be there. Since her and I are both working and there's no real huge property holdings to sort out the amount the court orders me to pay should not be insurmountable.

I have certainly been given opportunities in the arena of love this year. Although I clearly jumped the gun on the first the woman I'm with now did not hesitate to act on her true feelings.
To my delight she was the one who uttered those words first. The feelings I had for the first were very real, so much so that in my gut she had to feel the same. But due to her getting out of a bad marriage and two failed long-term relationships (one died just before they were to be married & the second got cold feet before marriage) those intense emotions present in our brief time together were too much for her.
As it is the way she abruptly shut everything down with no second chances really left me with no trust in her at all. I could never trust her to not do the same thing to me down the road. If I were to do something she felt wrong when would she simply pull the plug, no questions asked? I couldn't live with that in the back of my mind. Although this woman was much closer to my ideal than many others previously there were many things she obviously needed to work out in her mind. Although I will say that I still wonder if I were used to make her old boyfriend jealous? Nonetheless that chapter is long over.

The woman I am seeing now is wonderful. She's kind and caring to a fault. She's curious about the world and has this incredible energy about her that excites me.
We spent Thanksgiving weekend together, meeting on Thanksgiving evening and getting to know each other in person. We also have plans to spend Christmas and New Year's together. The emotions we express here are very open and honest and very very real.
No holding back. We had first chatted after my separation and had planned to get together. But due to a variety of reasons we didn't connect and lost track of each other. Thank god that I answered her post to me on Facebook. Before we may very well have not appreciated what we have. But now I find myself falling in love with her everyday all over again. She's all that I want in a woman and then some. The passion between us is very raw and very real.
It's been a great year all the way around, and the best is yet to come!

Just a little bit more..............

I thought it might be good to fill in the blanks with some things developing in my life. Besides I've been getting some raucous requests from the peanut gallery to spill it. ;-)The woman I talked about in the previous post......well we are falling for each other big time. I feel a very strong and deep connection with her, this out of nowhere person from my past. It feels very good. She's a very strong woman, having the sense to realize she didn't want to keep repeating the mistakes of days gone by. She got out of the bad relationships in her life. She's improved herself when she was able, now wanting to go back to school once again. She's very artistic and creative, sewing teddy bears, quilts, making mugs among many other things. Her sense of humor is lively and fits well with mine. Her compassion and caring are that of an angel. Her passion is fiery hot. This is as close to being IT for me as I've ever been, an emotionally available woman who is making a place for me in her life, who is able to give me the same level of commitment I give to her. It feels good. The feelings that were stirring in us were much too strong to fight or ignore. We simply have to take this all the way, no question about it.

The Chicago thing I alluded to earlier deals with something that may come about, dealing with a company up there. I don't want to jinx anything but suffice it to say if what I want to happen happens I'll be eventually making permanent residence there.
More details as they develop.

Long lost wishes...........

Where to start.......I've been corresponding with a number of women these past several weeks, only one of whom answered my CL ad. This woman lives not too far away. Her and I have the greatest rapport but due to time constraints on her part have been unable to meet face to face as of yet. Hopefully soon though. Another woman I started chatting with from Chemistry.com. We share a common love of sports and the arts and email everyday. She's got a big heart, working with special ed kids. Actually the first one does too, working with disabled children. The second woman lives 3 hours away and we have yet to talk on the phone but that will change starting Friday when her cell service kicks in. Yes, 3 hours but relatively close to Chicago, an area I would not mind being at all. More on that later.

The 3rd woman is someone who completely disappeared from my life almost as quickly as she came. While I was wrestling with the complications of my separation this woman and I met online nearly two years ago. We talked, and laughed together; absolutely wonderful connection. We made each other forget about life for the time we were on the phone together. It was only natural that we meet. But on two separate occasions something came up on her part. I had though she flaked on me, that she had gotten scared. After the second time I threw in the towel on her. This was during the time I had a job interview in New Mexico. We were planning on meeting for dinner the day I get back. She sends me a message that something came up again. So that's where things ended with her.

Well now, lo and behold come yesterday out of nowhere she sends me a chat message and we start talking. She tells me she has been recovering from surgery much of that time as well as taking in her daughter and her family, who have now since moved out and onto another area. She's also telling about the guys in her life who end up concealing a criminal past, and not dating because of attracting that kind of person.
We chat, we talk on the phone several times yesterday and it's like not missing a beat. After my cell call was dropped last night she leaves me a voicemail saying she hopes that she can make it down to me soon so I can show her around and take things from there. She also talked about if things worked out to make a pact to see no one else, even with her impending winter trip to San Diego.

So questions in my mind.........Is this for real? Is she the one in this case jumping the gun? I wonder if someone in her past-maybe her father had a criminal history, otherwise why the criminal attraction? I do feel good talking with her. I always have. I don't want to rush into anything but if she's of clear head, not desperate for a relationship after over 10 years of being single and dating bad guys I do not want to pass this by. But I also have a good feeling about the first woman although our history isn't anywhere near as deep. I wish I had a gut feeling as to what to do but right now I don't.

One down, oodles to go..........

Went on my date last night with the first respondent to my CL ad. Very nice woman, educated, funny as hell-should be a standup, but no spark. Very conservative outlook on things but still not narrow minded. There wasn't that desire to have a dating relationship. Friends are a real possibility though.

Also talked on the phone for the longest time with the 2nd woman to reply. Very nice, smart, hard-working, funny. Very good possibilities here. Meeting her for drinks this weekend. I've been emailing with several others and have another woman who's going to get back to me about when she's free this weekend so we can have the dinner/drink thing as well and see how things go.

So with just one little article from the heart and my social calendar is filling up.
Amazing how life works sometimes. Now about that financial fortune I'm supposed to be getting one of these days....................

Wise words

Have you noticed, that the more you hurry, the slower you go?

The more you wait, the longer it takes?

The more you worry, the less you dream?

But the more you live, love, and laugh, the more you live, love, and laugh.

Weird?
The Universe

What a difference!

What a difference having the right perspective makes, even just a little bit. I've told myself many times after having hit a dead-end with a woman that I need to have 20 others to talk to, to get myself right back up and keep talking. Well yesterday I did just that. Knowing that the written word is one of my strong suits in communication I posted an ad on Craigslist. Yeah yeah I know the reputation of the place. And yet real people still do meet from there socially, and I'm not talking business transactions if you get my meaning:

I've debated on doing this but I have to tell you that being a private person I find it difficult at times to make connections with others. I get out and about but there are few opportunities to really meet and talk and interact with others in my life. Smiling at the store clerks is nice and chatting up someone in line if they have a friendly face is all find and good. But after that we all go our separate ways, living our separate lives in our own protective shells. I like my space but what I really am looking for is someone who will share that time with me. I need a woman who is emotionally available to me and only me, someone who is over past relationships and truly ready to move on with her life.

I'm not looking for casual sex. The bond I'm seeking goes way beyond that of mere orgasms. But with the right two people it all starts with friendship and slowly builds from there. And I do mean slowly. I truly want to get to know you without sex clouding our judgment about each other and getting in the way of having us truly know each other as people. You don't have to show me your tits. In fact I don't care if you're flat-chested as long as you have a heart of gold to match mine because that's mandatory. I'm looking for someone who's kind, caring, intelligent, giving and thoughtful because those are qualities possessed by me. I want a woman who's been bound and convinced that all the good guys are either married or gay because I am neither of those. Sexy is a given and with beauty can be in the eye of the beholder. There's got to be that spark, that chemistry between us that could light up the night.

My interests are varied and many, sports-football is my passion, baseball too. I love music ranging from classical to Conway Twitty and everything in between. I love travel, good food, street festivals, art, hiking and exploring my curiosity about various things in life. Does this sound like you? Take a chance. Please talk to me if it does.

I could sit at home and ruminate over what I did wrong or go out on my own and never meet anyone at a party or gathering. Or I could do what I do best, communicate with others with my writing, reaching those who were looking for someone at the same time I am. The response by the way has been quite good I think. Five actual women so far have responded today. No bots at all. They all loved my ad! I've talked to one on the phone already today and am meeting her for supper and calling another tonight. And as I wrote this another actual response. Kinda scary in a way, that just a little change can make such a difference. The moral of the story is a quote I've read but at times forget,"Man can alter his life by altering his thinking. William James
How very true.

Moving on, older, wiser...........

I'm over it. Felt bad for a bit but I just cannot wear my heart on my sleeve. Even when I hear a woman say she wants an exclusive relationship just hold back. I'm worth waiting for. But I have to tell you with all the things I've gone through in my love life I don't hesitate to say that I really deserve a big big break pretty soon.

Ok God, one little favor here please.

I wasn't going to post this for fear of jinxing the vibe. Lo and behold I was perfectly capable of ruining things myself. I met this woman recently. We hit it off right away and I like the passionate schmuck that I am went overboard, sending her a card with the lyrics to a song:

I've waited for this day for such a long time
you are everything i've waited for
if memory says i might be disappointed
cause a lifetime here with you will seem to short

all i see is white that's coming towards me
all i've wanted you within my arms
if it's required that i forsake all others
i'll do that and more

i've waited for this day for such a long time
i hope that i can be what you deserve
i hope the days get longer
and make this love grow stronger
god will be the strength and our reason

Looking back on things I was allowing myself to get too infatuated too quickly. Gotta control that. Don't need to be an uncaring prick just not a goopy wuss.
This has got to be a shining example of how I can never be the first one to say I love you to any woman. Ever. I just can't. Not after this. Sometimes nature is a cruel teacher.

I don't know if there's any chance of rectifying this relationship or not. From a cynic's point of view I present no challenge to her. I do not have to be won over and that doesn't sit well with many. From a realist's point of view I was pushing rather than letting things develop on their own. And that part is the saddest part for me. I know that she's a good person. I can feel it when I'm around her. To lose that...........well it hurts. I still seem to want to do things the difficult way.

I've been accused of being too cold and uncaring at times and others I obviously go completely the other way all the way. I'm a very passionate person but I have to learn to control it. I deserve to be happy and be with a woman who's devoted to me as I am to her. But let her express that devotion first. I simply have to.

To say that I'd like another chance with this woman us understating things just a bit. However I just don't know if that will happen. I am sending this out into the universe for all the good vibes I an get. It's time for prayer now. Ok Big Guy, just this once, a do-over please?

Finding a treasure.............

On my excursion to the Barnes & Noble I came across a book that has really captured my attention. Ever since forever when I walk into a library or bookstore I gravitate to the self-help section. This inner voice is telling me that the answers to my questions are here. I just have to keep looking.

Well I went to the new book section in self-help last weekend and found something that's making a whole heckva lotta sense to me.
Living the Truth really speaks to me in a way that's unlike any other book I've read. I can feel something inside me that's different. I still have the questions but I also have the feeling that I'll find the answers before too long. The stage is set.

Another date in the books

Met a very nice woman last night. Drove to Kankakee which is about an hour away to meet up with her over coffee and chat. It was a delight to sit and talk with her. I still notice that for the most part if I'm with someone who likes to talk I simply let them. To some, maybe to many that comes off as being closed or aloof. But I am trying to listen and enjoy everyone's presence, being in the moment. Maybe I haven't met that person who elicits that behavior from me. It could be an intuitive feeling that I'm holding back because I feel nothing long-term will come of things. But this is who I am. One thing that concerned me last night was her not having a clean break with her soon to be ex. It's a very friendly, cordial breakup which is good. But the lines are not clear to me when they're talking on the phone 3-4 times a week, having Thanksgiving dinner with each other. I need, want, and deserve someone with a clear and total breakup, someone who has truly and completely moved on.

I've been emailing with someone more local from POF. We really hit it off in the emails we've shared so I asked her out tonight to go to a Blues bar. I asked her in an email this morning so I don't know if she already has plans. Just will have to wait and see how she responds.

Bowling.........well I thought it was a mixed league with men and women. Silly me for not asking questions and just assuming. Ends up it's all men and the women there are all married. So much for an active social life there. And 28 weeks for a bowling season? You have got to be kidding me. No way. Think I'll look for that dancing class. That's what I really want, something that if I look idiotic to start will pay off socially as I get better. Learn and grow......

Social horizons..........

I was asked today at work to join the local bowling league. It's one night a week for 28 weeks. Not all that fond of being committed or that long but it's something I've never done before and will get me out and about. Plus there's a sub list if I've got something else going on that night. Maybe I'll learn to be a decent bowler in the process. LOL

Closer and closer............

Received a letter from my attorney on Monday. It was a letter talking about the ex's desire for alimony and settlement. I called my attorney yesterday and we discussed what our response should be. I really think our counter proposal will be accepted because I sure as hell want a clean break financially. Alimony is way too open-ended, way too easy to come back later and ask for more once my situation improves. Me want none of that. Let's end this and get done. It's gone on way too long. Well over two years separation......need to be done with this so we can both move on.
I'm beginning to smell the freedom cooking! Soon, very very soon...........

Learning......growing

Learning from the past is one of the most important things in life. It’s been said that to continually do the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. In various aspects of our lives whether it be professional or personal a number of us can relate to Bill Murray in the movie, “Groundhog Day.” We know we’re not where we want to be, things do not feel right to us at all. But heaven help us when we try to understand what’s going on and how to fix it. We can’t see the forest for the trees as it were. We do not see the repetitive patterns our lives seem to take. We take the same types of jobs and feel undervalued and empty. We get into relationships with the same types of people and wonder why the life keeps getting sucked out of us.

This is way more than the woman who continually finds herself involved in abusive relationships. A man can just as easily have partners for whatever reason who are emotionally unavailable or psychologically unready for any kind of romantic involvement. Anyone, man or woman can have a revolving door with lovers where only the faces change but the same problems are still showing up.

It is up to us to take time to see the patterns in our lives. I hate the term navel-gazing with a passion. While I will agree that someone can suffer from paralysis from over analysis a little healthy introspection never hurt anyone. If that is not the case how do we ever learn from our mistakes in life? How do we ever achieve any degree of wisdom about who we are, where we’ve been, and where we go from here?

One of the purposes of this blog is to allow me to sort things out, to see the patterns and point myself in a better direction. Anyone and everyone is welcome to come along for the ride. J

A new day is here

Being my first post in my new digs I would like to talk a little bit about myself. I'm a guy, early 50's not searching so much as to who I am but looking for like-minded souls.

I've been out of my marriage over 2 years now. I consider myself divorced but that will happen yet this fall. Fact of the matter is I was divorced from my marriage long before that. There's a lifespan to every relationship in this life and it was clear even after counseling that ours was at its end.

Familiar story huh? Nothing new about the love dying in a marriage. But we each have our own take on things, our own experiences, our own perspective. The same could be said about life in general. Many of us go to work each day (or night), do our jobs, pay our bills, and live our lives the best we can. But after a time that's not enough. We were not meant to go it alone; at least I wasn't. Life is best when shared with a true love.

There are things that are on my to do list long before they become a "bucket list" or things I want to do before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Things I can share with another. I don't need or really want to climb mountains or sky dive, but there are other things I want to experience with a significant other. Just having a day-to-day loving relationship with a woman who's emotionally and physically available to me is one of if not the most important thing of all.