Catalyst for Thought & Change.............

What I really want for Christmas is the one thing I've never been able to have, which is finding my right place in life. The solution to the problem may be so simple that when I do have it I'll most likely wanna kick myself over not having discovered it much much sooner.

I just feel at a loss when I try to reassess my wants, needs, skills and must-have's in a job. It's also the source of much frustration and feelings of powerlessness in my life and has been for ages. Clearing this hurdle will mean the world to me.
It doesn't mean my journey of evolution is over, only beginning a new stage.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Seems like every year this time I get more introspective than ever if such a thing is even possible. Even though I haven't posted here in a long time it seems as good a place as any to put my thoughts into black and white.

In this calendar year I've had several things happen. I lost a job, found another one that I'm just beginning. Became engaged, so things should be looking up which they are in many respects.

Did I ever tell you how much I HATE socializing?

No, not in places like small groups of friends or places where you have some kind of connection with others there. But to be in a large group of veritable strangers and expecting to make any kind of meaningful connection there is an exercise in futility with me. Always has, certainly always will.

Approaching people is something I force myself to do, and God forbid if anyone would make it easy for me. I just get the feeling at those times I'm simply not worthy of even an acquaintanceship with anyone there. It's frustrating and drains every ounce of energy I have.

I'm not gregarious, and I certainly cannot and will not fake it as some people suggest I do. I am who I am. And at times like that it hits me that that simply is not good enough.

New Chapters, New Horizons..........

Well, the bomb dropped on me this morning. Got a frantic page from HR telling me to call them back ASAP. The company has been keeping a close eye on finances, especially this year and everything is under the microscope. My area has made good improvement since I've been there but it was not nearly enough for the MBAs running the show. In once fell swoop I find myself on the unemployment line. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts right now; what to do first and after that, on down the line. I'm going to take some time to get my head straightened out and go from there.

Passages of time.........

Called Mom today and found out my father is in the hospital once again. He fell at a gas station in town and was taken to the ER. They found more cancer in him, this time on his back. Mom is hoping that with PT he can walk again. But I also know that is just delaying the inevitable time when she will no longer be able to have him at home.
The times they are a changing and changing rapidly.

What a life!

I've been doing the singles thing for some time now. Met women who I thought might have could have long term potential. But then I realized that it's not so much me having to sell myself in a feverish attempt to not sleep alone as it is looking for a person who can mesh well with me, who can complement me. Talking to a few, meeting up and spending time with several has been a real education for me, and a nice revelation as well.

I realize that out there there are women looking for a guy like me. Not simply those whose best years are behind them but women who've got a life of love and passion to offer some lucky soul. I recently met a woman with whom I feel the possibility of a deeper connection. I've got no illusions of fairy tales here, no starry-eyed infatuation, but yet she's someone who makes me feel very very good on a number of levels. Spiritually, intellectually, physically we feel a strong pull towards each other. Time will tell what happens in the long term. But it's nice, very very nice with her.

A thought just occurred to me...........

While I go through the exercises of my career-change book, "The Pathfinder," I think it would be good to do them as posts here to really think things through.
Writing the last two posts has had a bit of a purging effect on me, of putting it all out there. I do believe I'll continue that train of thought as I work things through.
Now it's time to go sweat.

Breaking things down.........the week in review

The difference in how I feel when having a deadline to meet with or without legal implications and how I approach everyday life is vast. When I have a clearly definable goal with clear expectations and demands I come through. One way or another I come through. Come hell or high water I'm getting it done. But going through a career-change search or one for companionship is a murky process to say the least. As one of my old teachers put it, "As clear as mud."

I liken it to someone leaving college with a liberal arts degree and having no idea where to go with it. They've got no network that'll get them a job straight out of school, no influential family members that'll give sis or jr. the keys to the family business. Compare that with someone with an engineering, nursing, or accounting degree for example, or what I would call one of the more vocational disciplines in school. What those people have learned is clearly valued by the HR droids who are the gatekeepers to the working world. There are skills obtained through getting a nursing degree that makes that person immediately employable. Not so with the dreaded liberal arts/humanities person. And guess who I identify with?

It is a feeling like your trying to make a u-turn with an aircraft carrier in rough waters no less. Try as I might I can't see through this. I can remember this feeling for ages and I want it to go away. That is my next goal, to understand what's making me feel this way. I'm just not seeing the opportunities out there and I'm tired of it. Life is too short to be like this. And I have to stop making that last statement trigger a sense of urgency in me such that I rush into things much too quickly and make decisions not suited for me. But this has to stop.
I wish I could snap my fingers like I'm at a Tony Robbins seminar and suddenly snap out of it. See, there's no clear deadline for me and no clear steps on how to get into the job for me or how to attract the woman of my dreams. That lack of clearly definable steps is what gets me every time. All I can do is create a vision of what and who I want. How to get there is the frustrating part because it's a place I've never been.

Distant, Detached, Aloof

are all words that have been used to describe me, and I have to say that I don't disagree. In fact I feel it happening all the time. There's a feeling of being detached from the rest of the world not just socially but at work as well; doing the job, living your life but still feeling on the outside looking in. It's not just walking into a bar or club not knowing anyone without the foggiest notion as to how to break the ice. It's a disconnectedness professionally, socially and in everyday life.

I know that's one big reason I haven't found the real plum jobs in my line of work. So many others are "passionate" about this or that which is reflected in their enthusiasm for the subject at hand. Aside from the fact that it's a grossly overused term I just can't feel it. I've found it impossible to fake it til I make it as I've listened to so many sales trainers say. To me it's either real or it is not. I understand that concept with regard to compartmentalizing traumatic experiences, allowing the person to move on and live their life.

But I seem to have come up on dead end after dead end. Don't get me wrong I can feel a world of difference from several years ago. Coming from where the world was gray and dark to seeing the colors and the light has made me feel realize how far I've gone in life. But there have been precious few times in life where I did not walk through everything with that deer in headlights look on my face. I can feel it happening but also powerless to do anything about it at that moment.

I've not had what you'd call a clear direction in life, of knowing this is where I belong. In music school at least I realized that was one place I felt something stirring, although performing or teaching music were not an option for me.
This search for connection is what I must do. That's the life lesson I must learn next. But how to begin?

Success!

After a long hard search through all my options I've come up with a solution. It's not without its disadvantages to be sure. But it gets me out from under two big obligations. Loans being out of the question at this point I took an early withdrawal from the pension. Not quite the best scenario but I could not see a good resolution trying to handle two large bills coming due at the same time. The margin for error would be razor thin to say the least. But come late next week that will be done. Next goal is to successfully sever the alimony. I'm afraid however that I may just need a more aggressive lawyer. Seems the alpha male by a big stretch is one working for the ex. Anyone know of a good Mafia attorney? LOL

Yeahbuts, Comittments & Focus in Life

For anyone who has been wondering the woman I had been seeing since Fall has gone to California. But she and I are no longer together. As several others have suggested to me after the fact is that I need to slow down. I just officially got out of the marriage a little over a month ago. All the while we were together she was playfully joking that I was simply going from one jail to another. I chuckled every time I heard it, but when I stopped to think about it I really got scared. Here I was, enjoying life alone and now this other person was here wanting a committed relationship. At the time it started I thought cool this is nice. But as time went on this lack of space, this lack of freedom got to me.

She's been divorced over 10 years now and although she's 5 years younger it's obvious she's in a totally different stage in life than me. Plus the fact that the initial sexual fire I thought was there was not. Obviously I don't want to live in the bedroom and want that complete relationship with someone when I'm ready for it, but that mutual sexual desire has got to be there without question without hesitation. And it just wasn't in this case. Reasons for that for one is that for several days we both were sick with bad colds. Longer still she suffered from gastro-intestinal issues. There were other things too but the fact remains the attraction was not what I initially was telling myself it was. So the operative term with me and women is SLOW DOWN. I'm reminded of this old tv beer commercial that I've been trying to find. It shows a 20-30ish guy walking into a bar. He exclaims to everyone there that he's just found the woman for him. The bartender then says,"What, again?"
Seems to fit perfectly in this instance.

Recently I've started to read the book called "Pathfinder" by Nicholas Lore.
In it he deals with being able to focus our thoughts, filtering out the junk, the negative self-talk what he calls "Yeahbuts" to get to where we want to go in life.
He goes on to discuss effective ways to accomplish this filtering. The best way in his view is to make a commitment so far out of your comfort zone that accomplishing this new goal occupies the majority of your thoughts thus shifting your focus away from the negative.

Looking back I understand what he's saying. When going back to school even with the negative self-talk, the Yeahbuts, the excuses, at the most basic level I knew I was going to finish. It took me several years going part-time but I did it. It was one big big mountain to climb for me, fighting the self-doubt was a daily grind. Something inside me took over and made me focus on the good and pushed me toward my goal. At graduation I was totally spent of energy. It had literally taken everything I had in me to finish. I was literally bawling like a baby during Commencement, drying the tears long enough to go up and get my diploma.

Fast-forward to today. I get this email from my lawyer. He tells me he was contacted by the attorney of the ex, demanding his $3000 payment in full by April 1st. Talk about a goal that must be achieved! I emailed the attorney back telling him the situation and that I had worked out a payment plan to pay my debts, his bill included. I then asked him besides a payment for the complete balance what sort of payment schedule would he accept? So needless to say I spent the rest of the afternoon looking into payments that I could work out before 4/1 and also bank loans for the full amount so I can get him outta my hair. The latter is what I'm hoping will happen. I say hope because after dealing with indebtedness in recent years my FICO score is just above 600 at present. But rather than sit in petrified fear as to what to do, I'm doing something about it. One way or another I'll get the two big bills out of the way. Failure is not an option here; it simply isn't.

So to bring that thought process even further I'd like to be able to have the same zeal in a career search, making a transition to a new job and way of life. But I want to do it without gloom and doom hanging over my head. One thing came to mind is that every time I've made a major job change it's been for the better, getting me into a situation much better than from which I came. First it was a definite parting of the ways, leaving a hell-hole where it was obvious I was going to be micro-managed until I either quit or was fired. So I quit. The next job I was at for 17 years-way too long by the way. I was the highest paid person in the unit and the MBA's from corporate were squeezing us big time. It was obvious to me my days were numbered even before that happened. I had been job searching before but really did it in earnest when the manager who hired me took over my area once again. Something in my gut told me to get the lead outta my butt and get it done, which I did, eventually finding my present position at an opportune time. I have more thoughts about this guy I'll talk about later. What a piece of work.

But the point of all this is that when I focus on a goal that without question has to be done just like Larry the Cable Guy I "GetRDone." And my station in life improves greatly when I do it. So to focus on the goal, leaving the dark clouds behind. I am learning. One of these days I'll get it.

Strength & Weakness, Light & Darkness

My horoscope for today was on the mark:

"Get the feeling that the other shoe is about to drop? It's not -- so relax and let the universe drive. Things have been going splendidly, and they'll continue to do so. All you have to do is show up -- and stop trying to find the dark cloud in that silver lining."

Well at least for part of it anyway it's been right on. In my journey through self-awareness I feel myself seeing things in a much better light. The world is not conspiring to get me. Life is still what we make of it. All of us are born into life with who we are and what we have. It's up to us to deal with the hand we've been dealt.
Some of us have natural talents and beauty that needs to be nurtured and respected. Others have attributes that aren't always readily apparent but the abilities are still there nonetheless. Genius, brilliant, gifted, average,intelligent, persevering are all labels we put on ourselves or others at times. And we come in all shapes and sizes. It's up to us to go through life and make the best of what we have and who we are. It's even more fortunate; some would say miraculous or a twist of fate that we have friends come into our lives who can see the beauty our own eyes are too blind to notice. Out of everything we have they can be the most precious gift of all.

But when we harm that bond of friendship in any way, discounting their words, giving them the idea of what they're telling us has no merit that can and is tragic. To the bottom of my heart and soul I am so very sorry that I did that. I did not mean to imply that at all, only trying to say that in years past I would have immediately brushed those words aside.

Even today, as much as I have progressed I will focus on that darkness within the silver lining. As far as I have come I still need to not fixate on the storm clouds but the blue skies above them, for that is my destination. I need to put the darkness aside and focus on the vast goodness that has come into my life.