Motivation, what is it, how do you get it?

Not motivation to simply keep living but finding the drvie to find something better for myself.
If someone were to ask me what would you do if it were something that didn't feel like work I'd be hard-pressed to answer. I've tried my hand at different artistic endeavours but the feeling ain't there at all. There's nothing I've found that interests me enough to hone my meager skills; nothing that gives me a glimmer of hope when I begin that says I've found something I'm good at.

It seems much of my adult life I've been scrambling at the bottom three levels and not coming anywhere close to acheiving esteem and self-actualization. The most frustrating part of all is that I do not have a clue as to how to get out of this rut. When I come to solving this major problem in my life it is truly the mountain of mountains for me. I know it's a life lesson I must learn but I am at a complete and total loss to be where I truly belong.

Catalyst for Thought & Change.............

What I really want for Christmas is the one thing I've never been able to have, which is finding my right place in life. The solution to the problem may be so simple that when I do have it I'll most likely wanna kick myself over not having discovered it much much sooner.

I just feel at a loss when I try to reassess my wants, needs, skills and must-have's in a job. It's also the source of much frustration and feelings of powerlessness in my life and has been for ages. Clearing this hurdle will mean the world to me.
It doesn't mean my journey of evolution is over, only beginning a new stage.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Seems like every year this time I get more introspective than ever if such a thing is even possible. Even though I haven't posted here in a long time it seems as good a place as any to put my thoughts into black and white.

In this calendar year I've had several things happen. I lost a job, found another one that I'm just beginning. Became engaged, so things should be looking up which they are in many respects.

Did I ever tell you how much I HATE socializing?

No, not in places like small groups of friends or places where you have some kind of connection with others there. But to be in a large group of veritable strangers and expecting to make any kind of meaningful connection there is an exercise in futility with me. Always has, certainly always will.

Approaching people is something I force myself to do, and God forbid if anyone would make it easy for me. I just get the feeling at those times I'm simply not worthy of even an acquaintanceship with anyone there. It's frustrating and drains every ounce of energy I have.

I'm not gregarious, and I certainly cannot and will not fake it as some people suggest I do. I am who I am. And at times like that it hits me that that simply is not good enough.

New Chapters, New Horizons..........

Well, the bomb dropped on me this morning. Got a frantic page from HR telling me to call them back ASAP. The company has been keeping a close eye on finances, especially this year and everything is under the microscope. My area has made good improvement since I've been there but it was not nearly enough for the MBAs running the show. In once fell swoop I find myself on the unemployment line. My mind is a whirlwind of thoughts right now; what to do first and after that, on down the line. I'm going to take some time to get my head straightened out and go from there.

Passages of time.........

Called Mom today and found out my father is in the hospital once again. He fell at a gas station in town and was taken to the ER. They found more cancer in him, this time on his back. Mom is hoping that with PT he can walk again. But I also know that is just delaying the inevitable time when she will no longer be able to have him at home.
The times they are a changing and changing rapidly.

What a life!

I've been doing the singles thing for some time now. Met women who I thought might have could have long term potential. But then I realized that it's not so much me having to sell myself in a feverish attempt to not sleep alone as it is looking for a person who can mesh well with me, who can complement me. Talking to a few, meeting up and spending time with several has been a real education for me, and a nice revelation as well.

I realize that out there there are women looking for a guy like me. Not simply those whose best years are behind them but women who've got a life of love and passion to offer some lucky soul. I recently met a woman with whom I feel the possibility of a deeper connection. I've got no illusions of fairy tales here, no starry-eyed infatuation, but yet she's someone who makes me feel very very good on a number of levels. Spiritually, intellectually, physically we feel a strong pull towards each other. Time will tell what happens in the long term. But it's nice, very very nice with her.